sometimes saying things out loud is too much. it's too hard. or if i do say it out loud it turns sarcastic to cover up the truth.
sometimes i write things down just so that i can re-read them. just so i can know what my heart is really trying to tell me.
sometimes i know the truth, i just don't want to admit it. admitting it to myself is hard enough, let alone to other people.
yet sometimes it is the writing or the speaking that makes something real. today, that is what happened for me.
there is a goodbye coming up. someone who has come to be a dear friend, parting ways. in trying to figure out how to say goodbye i wrote a letter.
what i wrote didn't surprise me. it was something i knew all along. yet it made it real. it made the situation real. the goodbye real.
my feelings... real.
some days i wish things were different. i wish that i was the kind of girl you wanted to be with. i wish i was the kind of girl you wanted to bring out. like the night you suggested i come out with your crew. when you walked around with a hand on my back, as if you wanted to be by me, not like you felt you had to be. you introduced me as “your girl” even though i knew i wasn’t. despite the fact that some days i wish these things to be true, i know that they won’t ever be. too different, wrong for each other when it comes to love. i know that we are not meant to be together, but some days knowing to be true and wanting to be true aren’t the same.saying it out loud doesn't bring the knowing and the wanting into congruence, but it is an acknowledgment of what's real. that is all i ask of me. to be real and honest. my full-disclosure policy.
perhaps it is why i have always loved writing so much, so i can say it out loud at my own pace. in my own time. letting my heart speak, my words ringing true.
